Clever Police lines!! :)

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can

write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think

it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go

to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend

of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...


#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Source: ajokeaday.com

Peanuts!! :)

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. 

Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy. 

Source: ajokeaday.com

A Committed husband!! ;)

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

Source: ajokeaday.com

Saddest story ever told!! :D

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Source: ajokeaday.com

Smart Kid!! ;)

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course. 

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy. 

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind." 

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question." 

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?" 

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir." 

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.) 

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" 

Admission for the course was thus secured.

Source: ajokeaday.com

Lift more with this move!!

Why Standing with Your Feet Close Together Can Help You Build Bigger Arms

Think you can't do another rep of your favorite upper-body lift? Try this trick: Stand with your feet closer together.

"It's called blocking your feet, and it gives you a firm base of support while engaging all of your muscles from your toes to your head," says BJ Gaddour, C.S.C.S., author of Your Body Is Your Barbell. "Gymnasts use this technique because it allows you to transfer energy from your lower body into your upper body, amplifying the strength in your working muscles. Suddenly, those last couple reps aren't so difficult." 

Not only does blocking your feet help you bang out more reps, it also helps you lift heavier loads.  If your core is weak, your back can't hyperextend or twist as easily under the weight, explains Gaddour, who uses the stance during lifts like the curl, front raise, and overhead press, and even during some body-weight moves like the pushup and burpee. Blocking your feet fully activates and stabilizes the core, so you can apply more force to the barbell or dumbbell.

Moving your feet a couple inches closer won't do the trick, though. To reap the full benefits of blocking, make sure your feet are touching. Drive them into the floor by squeezing your legs together, clenching your glutes, bracing your core as if you were about to be punched in the gut, and drawing your ribs and shoulders toward the floor. "Your body should feel like one thick tree trunk that's firmly rooted into the floor," says Gaddour.

While blocking your feet has many benefits, it's not a good fit for all lifts, he warns. Explosive exercises, like push presses or jerks, still need a shoulder-width athletic stance that lets you quickly and powerfully move the weight.  

Source: http://www.menshealth.com/fitness/why-standing-your-feet-close-together-can-help-you-build-bigger-arms?cid=OBtrafficMH_TBD_SB4&cid=outbrain_MH&obref=obinsource

Follow these gym rules!!

Does Your Gym Follow These 9 Rules?

Elite strength coach Martin Rooney has his own set of gym rules. If you want to train hard and see gains, you should follow them, too

With so-called-gyms removing squat racks and banning grunting, it seems like serious training facilities are harder to find nowadays. Then we came across this Training for Warriors photo of elite strength and conditioning coach Martin Rooney's 9 gym rules.

Follow them, and you'll get one hell of a workout. You'll sweat. You'll see gains. You'll build calluses on your hands. No "lunk alarms" allowed. What rules would you add to this list?

Source: http://www.menshealth.com/fitness/gym-rules-serious-training

Mixed emotions defined!!

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

Source: ajokeaday.com

Management's Policy!!

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) 

SICKNESS 

We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. 

We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY 

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY 

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. 

DEATH 

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death. 

This new benefit program started yesterday. 

The Management 

Source: ajokeaday.com

Bad news.......wrong timing ;)

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

Source: ajokeaday.com

Too drunk!!

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

Source: ajokeaday.com

A dilemma!!

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.”

Source: ajokeaday.com

Shortest memory ever........!! :D

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!" 

Source: ajokeaday.com

A trick question!! ;)

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis? 

Source: ajokeaday.com

Some more cringe worthy 2 liner horror stories!!

Source: http://likes.com/weird/two-sentence-horror-stories-your-heart-will-drop?v=624CFERe9PAr8wHoBAMb1PP41xuPuv0fO&page=1

Computer problem form!! (Hilarious) :D

Computer Problem Report Form 

1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________ 

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

__________________________________________ 

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: 

__________________________________________ 

__________________________________________ 

4. Problem Severity: 

A. Minor__ 

B. Minor__ 

C. Minor__ 

D. Trivial__ 

5. Nature of the problem: 

A. Locked Up__ 

B. Frozen__ 

C. Hung__ 

D. Shot__ 

6. Is your computer plugged in?

Yes__ No__ 

7. Is it turned on? 

Yes__ No__ 

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?

Yes__ No__ 

9. Have you made it worse? 

Yes__ 

10. Have you read the manual? 

Yes__ No__ 

11. Are you sure you've read the manual?

Yes__ No__ 

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? 

No__ 

13. Do you think you understood it? 

Yes__ No__ 

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________ 

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?

__________________________________________ 

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

__________________________________________ 

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.

__________________________________________ 

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? 

Yes__ No__ 

19. How does this problem make you feel?

__________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood.

__________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? 

Yes__ No__ 

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? 

Yes__ 

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue. 

Source: ajokeaday.com

An expected guest!!

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." 

"Great. Where do you live?" 

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." 

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" 

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Source: ajokeaday.com

Clever little boy!!

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

Source: ajokeaday.com

Just for laughs......!! :D

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.

“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”

“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”

“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously

Source: ajokeaday.com

Clever Lawyer

A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …

Source: ajokeaday.com

Funny one liner......!! :)

Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 

Source: ajokeaday.com

Funny Flight announcements!! :)

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or

reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant

crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached

cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for

your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight

attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave

your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington

National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.

WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in

Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please

take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a

landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will

descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull

it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,

secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with

more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Source: ajokeaday.com

The difference!!

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.

I say there is.....

Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’

Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’ 

Source: ajokeaday.com