Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Vocabulary Confusion

A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said “Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?”

“What’s a narrative, Gerald?” she asked.

“A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.”

“Oh, I see,” said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, “Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?”

“What’s extinguish?” she asked.

“Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,” said brainy Gerald

“Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.”

The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.

“Gerald,” said his mother, trying to impress

“Take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!”


Source: ajokeaday.com

Monday, 18 May 2015

20-things-you-didnt-know-about-batman

21

1. There’s a city called “Batman” in Turkey.
We don’t know whether the superhero resides there or not, but the place is beautiful.
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2. Batman fought ebola in the 90’s and Robin almost died.
Even superheroes should practice proper hygiene.
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3. The word “batman” is used to refer to someone’s personal servant – So, Alfred Pennyworth is actually Batman’s batman.
What if Alfred Pennyworth had his own batman? It would be Batman’s batman batman? That’s too wavy for me!
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4. Ben Affleck is the only actor to wear both a Batman suit and Superman suit in two different films.
It remains to play them both in one movie…
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5. In 1996, both DC and Marvel comics published a crossover series where Batman and Wolverine were made into one character named Dark Claw.
That character looked like this:
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6. Tom Hardy (Bane) needed 3 inch heels to be the same height as Christian Bale so he could “look him in the eyes” in Batman.
Actors just do what they should…
DARK KNIGHT RISES
7. Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) was in Batman Returns (1992) as Penguin’s Dad.
Which role do you like most?
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8. Batman was once the name of a position in the military.
It was a position of an officer’s orderly or servant.
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9. Quentin Tarantino doesn’t like Batman, claiming he’s “not a very interesting character”.
According to Quentin the best Batman could be played by Alec Baldwin in the ’80s.
10. There’s a lost film called “Batman fights Dracula”.
And so many Batman fans would love to see it.
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11. Batman outsmarts the Riddler so hard he goes insane.
The Riddler made a “perfect trap” for Batman but the superhero managed to escape it. The shock and curiosity affected the mental health of the Riddler so much he was taken to Arkham Asylum.
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12. Batman was inspired by da Vinci, movies and masked men.
Wings were taken from Da Vinci’s sketch of a flying device, the suit and the identity were inspired by the movie “Bat whisperers” 1930, the rich alter ego was inspired by the movie “The Mask of Zorro” 1920, the radio show character named the Shadow inspired the cloak of Batman, his dual identity and his sleuthing talent.
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13. The secret Batman’s identity is not so secret.
In fact eleven characters know (or have known) that Batman and Bruce Wayne are the same person.
14. Batman is perpetually 34 years old.
But he has a well-rounded history including Cambridge and Sorbonne education, FBI experience, martial arts training in Asia, lessons in stealth taken from real ninjas…
15. The Dark Knight is the first Batman film not to incorporate the word “Batman” into its title.
It was successful that Christopher Nolan decided to make another movie about the superhero without the word “Batman” (“The Dark Knight Rises”).
16. Luke Skywalker is the voice of the Joker in Batman: The Animated Series.
The final galaxy’s Jedi warrior comes to the dark side in Batman.
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17. Andy Warhol directed the first ever Batman film.
His work, “Batman Dracula” was never officially released though.
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18.Gotham is actually in Nottingham.
The visit of the author Washington Irving to England before making the movie was rather inspiring.
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19. A version of The Beatles exists in the Batman universe.
While saving the world Batman had some interest for popular culture as well.
20. It was the fans who killed Robin.
In 1988 readers were asked their opinion about the end of Robin’s story, the majority (5343 out of 10000) voted for his death, so he was promptly killed.
20

First Time Flying

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?

Passenger: No, I have not.

Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.

Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?

Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can't get the gum out of my ears.


Source: ajokeaday.com

Toothbrush Salesman

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers.

He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled. The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"


Source: ajokeaday.com

The Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

"Lady," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know, but your neighbors did."


Source: ajokeaday.com

These 10 Urban Legends From Across The World Will Surely Keep You Awake Tonight

Fear of anything keeps us fast on the draw and vigilant. Remember when you were little, and how you mother used to scare you saying that if you don’t finish the milk, that big dog in the dungeon will come and get you? And then you bottomed up the whole thing at once. Similarly, these urban legends kept people observant for years. Kids didn’t roam in the dark. parents took special care of their children and pets, people checked door’s lock twice before sleeping and everyone was told not to let anyone in without cross checking.
We don’t know if any of these stories are true, but it kept people alert and hopefully will keep you too.

1. Slit Mouthed Woman – Kuchisake-Onna (Japan)

It is said that this young lady named Kuchisake-Onna was a samurai’s wife and she cheated on her husband with a younger and a better-looking man. When her husband discovered her betrayal, he punished her by slitting her mouth from ear to ear.
The myth is that her spirit still wanders as a girl with surgical mask on. She goes and asks people, ‘Am I pretty?’ If they say no, she rips them apart and if they say yes, she removes her mask and asks, ‘How about now?’ If they say no, she cuts them in half and if they say yes, she slits their mouth to make it just like hers. There is no escaping her.
 2. Sexually Frustrated Ghosts- Korivi Deyyamu (India)
These are the ghosts of ladies who haven’t had their sexual desires fulfilled. So, they look for men everywhere to satisfy their need. Although, they cannot enter any village which has a temple, so they target the travellers.
This myth is highly popular in South India and the men there are advised not to travel at night. If they do, they should look down and walk silently without any noise in order to not attract the ghost’s attention. If they get a feeling that they are being followed, then they are not suppose to look back and stutter as the spirits can sense the fear. Then they might feel someone holding them and saying ‘Raa’ (come) to which they are suppose to confidently reply ‘repu vasta’ (come tomorrow) and only then can they get out of there safely. If they fail to do any of these things, they will become the ghost’s slaves until their desire is fulfilled.
3. The Greek Soldier (Greece)
It is said that a Greek solider who was returning from World War II to marry her fiancé was tortured and killed by a group of fellow Greeks who had strong and hostile political beliefs. After his murder, there were incidents reported where an extremely good looking Greek solider in uniform used to appear and seduce war widows and virgin girls with the sole reason of impregnating them.
After five weeks of baby being born, the soldier used to disappear leaving behind a letter which said that he had returned from the dead merely to spread his seed, so that his sons might avenge his murder.
 4. The Face Scratcher – Muh Nochwa (India)
This phenomena became highly popular in early 2000s especially in the states of Uttar Pradesh and Bihar. The word Muh-Nochwa actually means face scratcher and there were numerous incidents reported where people had their faces scratched out or disfigured. There were even deaths associated to Muh-Nochwa. It was believed that the attacker hurt your face violently and intended to suck your blood dry.
Even after so many instances, no one could trace his physical appearance. Some said he resembled an insect but some associated it to possessed creatures extra terrestrial beings.
 5. The Newborn – Tiyanak (Philippines)
This one is a little different from others. The ghost is always in the form of a newborn baby lying alone in the forest crying frantically. If any passer by picked up the baby to look for the mother or guardian, he would be scratched to death and his face will be eaten as the baby grew dagger like claws and teeth. Some say that it is foetus of a boy from a mother who died before giving birth.
The part which amused me was ‘how to escape the baby ghost?’ If you wear your clothes inside-out, the creature will leave you alone and wander back in the forest. These ghosts and their weird tastes!
6. The Toilet Paper Ghost – Aka Manto (Japan)
Japanese school bathrooms are one of the most scary places to be. This ghost called Aka Manto asks you a question when you are in the toilet. ‘Red paper or blue paper?’ If you say red, then your body will be torn apart until your clothes are red. If you say blue, your neck will be strangled until your face turns blue. If you try to outsmart the ghost by saying some other colour, you will be dragged to an unknown place and killed.
The only way to escape is to say ‘no paper’ as it leave you alone then.
 7. Come Tomorrow Ghost – Nale Ba (India)
If you visit South India, especially Bangalore, you will see ‘nale ba’ written on many doors. There’s a reason behind that practice. Few places there are suppose to be haunted by a ghost which knocks on doors and kills every member of the family as soon as the door is opened. The only way to escape is write ‘nale ba’ on your door which means ‘Come Tomorrow’.
If due to any reason the message got erased, then you know what will happen.
8. The White Death (Scotland)
This little girl in Scotland hated life and everything about it. So, to put an end to this misery, she killed herself. Coincidently, few days after her death, her entire family died with their limbs torn apart.
After that she roams around knocking on doors and kills the person who opens it. Her main aim is to keep her identity safe, so she kills everyone who gets to know about her. Guess what? You know about her now. Don’t open the door tonight!
 9. The Black Eyed Kids (USA)
These two kids basically try to get inside your house by talking you into it. So they will either say that they are lost and they want to call their parents or they want to use the rest room (basically things you cannot say no to). The younger kid will always keep his head down since that kid had no eyeballs and his eye sockets are blank and black. Once they enter the house, they obviously kill the owner.
The trick is to keep them out and not let them enter. They do not force if the owner is unwilling. Several incidents in USA have been reported where two creepy kids pester the owner to get inside the house.
 10. Okiku Doll (Japan)
This mysterious doll placed at Mannenji Temple in Japan is possessed by a spirit of a child. According to the temple, the doll had short cropped hair initially but it grew about 25 cm long down to the doll’s knees. Even though the hair is trimmed occasionally, it keeps growing back.
It is said that the girl for whom the doll was purchased died to to sudden cold and her restless spirit took refuge in the doll.
I have done my work. Have a good night sleep. Don’t forget to look under the bed!

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Behind a Bush

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'


Source: ajokeaday.com

What Is The Quickest Way

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; "What is the quickest way to the lake?

The local thought for a while. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the tourist. "I'm driving."

"That is the quickest way!" the local said.


Source: ajokeaday.com

Friday, 15 May 2015

The Perfect Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. 

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" 

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." 

"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."


Source: ajokeaday.com

Monday, 11 May 2015

Hilarious One liners....again!! ;)

1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 

2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing. 

3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. 

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to. 

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. 

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 

8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents? 

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Source: ajokeaday.com

Teenagers

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.


Source: ajokeaday.com

Turkey For My Grandma

A girl walks into a supermarket and asks the clerk, "Can I have a turkey for my grandma?" the clerk responds, "Sorry. We don't do exchanges."

Source: ajokeaday.com

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

The Digital Clock

Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock? 

A. Look, No hands!


Source; ajokeaday.com

Why did the chicken cross the road?

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? 

Answers:


Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.


Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.


Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.


The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.


Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.


Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.


Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"


Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"


Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.


Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.


M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.


Colonel Sanders: I missed one?


Plato: For the greater good.


Aristotle: To actualize its potential.


Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.


B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while 
believing these actions to be of its own freewill.


Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.


Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.


The Sphinx: You tell me.


Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.


Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.


Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.


Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.


Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.


Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.


Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!


O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Source: ajokeaday.com

Saturday, 2 May 2015